Things you should never ask me

When I’m drunk, I can be a bore. I know it, and other people know it too. Perhaps you are one of those who know. If so, I apologise.

I can also be a bore when sober, but I don’t think it’s so bad then. See, when I’m drunk, I even start to bore myself. I go off on a topic and talk about it too forcefully for too long. My mind suddenly realises that I’ve gone on too long, but my mouth keeps talking. My mind hears me making the same point repeatedly in only very slightly different ways, but my mouth insists I continue.

It usually only happens when I am talking to one other person. I don’t think that I bore groups particularly, mainly because I’m not conversationally dominant enough to browbeat a whole group of people into submission.

So, as thanks for reading my blog, I’d like to offer YOU some advice on how to not end up on the receiving end of my drunken monotony. If you are talking to me at a party or in the pub, discussing weighty matters, and you suspect/know I have had a few drinks, never ever bring up the following topics if you want to escape alive:

• The state of English cricket
• The European Union
• The need (or otherwise) for manned space exploration (especially with regards to Mars)
• Sanctimonious hypocritical lefties (e.g. most of Labour, Polly Toynbee)
• The smoking ban

If you do wish to discuss any of the above topics, please feel free to firmly interject if I have been going on too long. I won’t take it personally – indeed, I shall probably thank you.

Having partially wised-up to my ranting topics, I will politely refuse to engage in any conversations regarding abortion or fox hunting.

Psychometric testing – they’re in my head!

I uncovered a character profile from some psychometric testing I did a couple of years ago.  I’m generally sceptical about such things but this excerpt, from the section on how to interview me, is pretty close to the mark:

Expect logical answers as opposed to socially acceptable ones.

In the event of rational stonewalling, do not hesitate to throw in some socially provocative questions.

There are a few subjects that I try my best to avoid debating, either because long experience tells me that you can’t sway people and the topic is just too emotive (fox-hunting, abortion); or I don’t know enough and really can see both sides (Irish Republicanism, for example).

Apart from that I’ll debate the hind-legs off a donkey.  Ideas are important, and we make too many lazy assumptions (myself included).  If I disagree with someone I swing between excessive combativeness and asking mild questions to draw out someone’s train of thought before putting their contradiction to them.  Both are probably a bit mean.  My favourite conversation using the latter technique though led to the girl I was talking to tell me that she thought global starvation was on the way because as people got richer there would be fewer and fewer farmers.  I gently suggested she hadn’t considered the concept of supply and demand.